I get terrible migraines about once a month. Yesterday, I woke up with a white-hot spike of pain driven into my left eye. Cannabis is my medicine of choice, but since I’ve spent all my money on the #AStarForCarrie project, that wasn’t an option. I took Benadryl and aspirin, closed the shades and slept off this blinding brick of pain weighing on my head.
About 1:30 in the afternoon, I woke up to the neighbor calling their beagle outside “Billy, come here!” I dragged myself out of bed, took a shower, finished my #OccupyFamilyGuy sign, got ready to spend the last of my change on a bus to Beverly Hills in the hopes this would be the day Seth MacFarlane let me in the Fuzzy Door.
I heard a phone ringing somewhere in the building… I stopped, put down my sign, dropped my backpack, and called Fuzzy Door Productions. I asked politely to speak to Seth. I was told he wasn’t in the office and I started crying when she said: “We can’t help you”. When I started to beg, she sent me to the “Special Services” voicemail. I don’t remember what I said, but I sobbed as I pleaded for help. I couldn’t stop sobbing. Having no one to talk to, I tweeted my upset state while curled up in bed, unable to stop crying.
At around 9pm, starving and broke, I dragged myself out of bed again and wandered around West Hollywood at night, asking folks for change so I could get a cheeseburger. I was lucky hunger overcame misery, but the vestiges of the migraine lingered behind my eyes so I tried to find anyone willing to donate some pot. A dude with a Jesus vibe (same beard and hair, except way more homeless looking) said to follow him to 7-11, which I did as he babbled about his Scottish heritage.
In my migraine haze, I caught the name “McGregor” amidst his one-sided conversation. I said aloud “If Peter Rabbit had listened to his mother, there would have been no story!” The Jesus Dude didn’t end up getting the pot outside of 7-11, so I went home and scraped the scraps of pot out of my stem jar and smoked them as I watched a documentary about Mary Pickford I had checked out of the library.
During the night, I tossed as I dreamed of meeting the real Seth MacFarlane. I dreamed at the end of the day, as I cried outside Fuzzy Door Productions, Seth came out and handed me a tissue. I dried my eyes, blew my nose and looked up at that dreamy face. “Please stop crying,” he said. Out of long-awaited enthusiasm, I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him without asking. He kissed me back in equal fervor. The dream skipped ahead to US, married in secret, on a cross-country road trip, petitioning for #AStarForCarrie in different cities while he directed a documentary about our adventure. I loved the feeling of his hand on my knee as he drove. I felt so safe with Seth.
People keep telling me to get a job because the work I’ve been doing on #AStarForCarrie isn’t bringing in enough money. The job I want is at Fuzzy Door Productions. I want to write for Seth, I want US to collaborate, and make beautiful art together. I even have a gestating plot synopsis for the all-female written episode of “Family Guy”. What if all the men in Quahog started a nerf gun battle that went on for weeks, annoying all the women to the point where they get together and decide to “Lysistrata” the men? “Lysistrata” is an Ancient Greek play where the women refuse to have sex with the men until they end the war. It’s hilarious! I would adore seeing that episode come to fruition. The only way to make that happen is to keep going back to #OccupyFamilyGuy.
I don’t want to have to wander around asking for spare change again, but I will if I have to. I’ll keep surviving, keep showing up at his office, always hoping today’s the day Seth will trust that I love him and meeting him will make everything in OUR lives better. The #AStarForCarrie documentary could get Seth the artistic recognition he deserves as a director, could change things in Hollywood by showing how the rest of the country feels about these issues, and could generate enough positive support to get Carrie Fisher a star on the Walk of Fame AND start up the nonprofit where cosplayers get paid a living wage to petition for women’s rights issues.
The #OccupyFamilyGuy episode could not only lend a predominantly male platform to women but give my favorite cartoon some long-overdue credibility and positive PR. Seth just needs to come out of the Fuzzy Door, since I can’t seem to get past the gatekeepers. I hope today is the day he does, but I’ll keep coming back if not. I can’t give up hope.