From my journal:
“August 1st, 2019
“Fear is the path to the Darkside.”
That doesn’t mean each and every one of us doesn’t fight at least a minimal amount of fear on a daily basis. I used to get terrible nightmares when I was a kid and I would climb into my mom’s bed. She would hold me close and say: “Tell me about your dream.”
If I was reluctant, she would wipe my forehead with her hand and say: “I’m washing away the bad thoughts. If you don’t talk about it, it may come true.”
Kinda the opposite of a wish. I’m going to talk about the things that are giving me anxiety right now in the hopes my fears will be alleviated.”
I’m afraid every time I leave my apartment in West Hollywood. I’m afraid of not having enough to eat. I’m afraid of never selling my writing. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid to drink the tap water. I’m afraid of being robbed, kicked out of my only safe space, ending up homeless like all those people I tried to help. I’m afraid of people being afraid of me. I’m afraid of people I love never talking to me again. I’m afraid of giving up on #AStarForCarrie and #OccupyFamilyGuy because I already put so much of myself into these projects if I give up now, it was all for nothing. I’m afraid if I don’t keep repeating “I was on a public sidewalk when I was arrested for trespassing.” That I’ll go back to jail. I’m afraid of going back to jail. Although my experience was nowhere near as bad as the abuses people of color suffer, I’m afraid of what will happen to me. I don’t deserve to go back to jail. I didn’t deserve it the first time. I was just trying to sell my imagination and I got locked up like a rabid dog. That’s not fair, that’s not right. I have to fight this. I’m afraid of going back to court, having to defend myself with the help of a very over-worked public defender. I don’t want to have to do that. I want Hairy Portal Productions to just drop the charges and give me five minutes to pitch my ideas. I’m afraid of slamming doors. I’m afraid of people yelling. I’m afraid of wasting my potential.
I’m giving voice to my fears, not to burden you with my weakness… I’m unloading these thoughts on the internet so that I’ll feel stronger. If I end up having to go to court on August 8th and defend my plea of Not Guilty of Trespassing, #OccupyFamilyGuy continues, but I’ll take it as a sign they’re not interested in buying my writing, so I’ll take my business elsewhere. They could drop the charges and meet with me before then. That would alleviate a lot of fears for EVERYONE.
Stay tuned for a new blog post titled #FundFortunateSon, the second Sub-Project of #AStarForCarrie!