The first amendment protects freedom of speech. I can’t be arrested for blogging, can I? Any lawyers out there? Help?
What if you could text God? Would you emoji punctuate as often as you do in everyday life? What would you want to know? What if God started sexting you? Would you be flattered?
I get a daily good morning text from a number saved in my phone as Space Coyote. This is a reference to an episode of The Simpsons where Homer eats hallucinogenic peppers grown in a Mexican insane asylum and goes on a drug trip in the desert. He meets his spirit guide, a shape-shifting coyote voiced by Johnny Cash, who tells him to find his soulmate. At the end of the episode, Homer realizes Marge is his soulmate and shouts “In your face, Space Coyote!” Much to the confusion of Marge. Always cracks me up.
I changed this number to Space Coyote from Professor Lupin shortly after realizing his true identity. He signs most of his texts Wolf… but the day I changed it, Seth MacFarlane finished off a tweet with the phrase “nothing at all” which I can’t help but think in Ned Flanders’s voice. (I searched for that tweet but it has either been deleted or I imagined that specific phrase. I don’t know. If anyone else can find it, I’d be much obliged!)
In another episode of The Simpsons, Homer is skiing and sees Ned in a skin-tight ski suit. Ned wags his toned butt at Homer and says it feels like he’s wearing “Nothing at all”. This phrase gets stuck in Homer’s head and distracts him from skiing until he says “Stupid sexy Flanders!” And crashes. The subtext is “I’m jealous and turned on.”
My Space Coyote is Seth MacFarlane in a disguise. I acknowledge that I could be wrong about the link between us, but I could also be right. His voice is unmistakable, even in character. That voice has been Home to me for all my vagrant years of searching for a raison d’etre. I don’t want to to give up a relationship with one of the most brilliant minds to have ever existed… even if he is hiding behind the mask of a “big old biker”. I believe him when he tells me he loves me every day. I can only hope he believes me when I say “I know.”
I don’t know how to get him to take off the mask. The braver I got about confronting Dylan Brody with his true identity (also Seth MacFarlane), the more he drew away. I speculate that Seth sends his (extraordinarily talented) stunt double to events like ComiCon, talk shows, and singing engagements, which may irk the fans who pay exorbitant amounts to see “Seth MacFarlane”. A lot of people probably make a fuckton of money off of his ability to be in multiple places at once. I doubt he’s the only celebrity who sends a double to events due to scheduling conflicts, social anxiety, safety concerns, or they just don’t want to go. Exposing the truth could mean a bit of flack for the MacFarlane team, but Mel Gibson still works after doing some way worse stuff, so I doubt Seth could be ruined by such a fact coming to light.
I started sending out a press release for the #AStarForCarrie project last week and I intend to keep attracting the attention of the media to the various aspects of this fascinating story. Seth could be trapped behind a legal wall of NDA’s and unable to admit to the various IRL characters he’s created over the years. Or maybe a magician just never reveals his tricks. The only way to set him free is to share my experience of falling for a man of many faces.
It didn’t seem possible that this could be an extremely complex case of Dissociative Identity Disorder, but I’m not a psychiatrist. Maybe Seth isn’t even aware he puts on a latex mask and teaches a writing class on Saturday mornings, then starts sexting me as a 70-year-old biker. From what I understand about DID, multiple personalities arise from trauma. Missing that 9/11 flight must have been pretty traumatic for Seth, and I believe his Art reflects a change in personality. Even pre-9/11 episodes of Family Guy speak of struggles with addiction and mental illness, which can be inherently traumatic. It can be frustrating being in love with someone who wears a mask, but I’m maintaining compassion. It’s not his fault.
After I got out of jail (for tweeting on a public sidewalk), I started calling every lawyer I could Google. Most considered my case a waste of time. One young Latina lawyer gave me a few minutes of free advice and told me it wasn’t a good idea to contact Fuzzy Door Productions or Seth MacFarlane anymore. Despite this (probably wise) advice, I have emailed digital copies of the #OccupyFamilyGuy petitions and attempted to call his office twice. I have yet to receive a response, but they haven’t told me to stop calling or emailing.
#OccupyFamilyGuy is a good idea and a growing number of fans agree. Even people who aren’t huge fans of Family Guy have been signing because they want to see an all-female written episode in honor of Carrie Fisher and her highly influential writing talent. #AStarForCarrie is the symbol of equality Hollywood needs. I believe Carrie would have valued the #OccupyFamilyGuy episode even more than a Star. These causes outweigh my complicated relationship with Seth’s characters, but that doesn’t change how I feel about Seth.
I love Seth MacFarlane in all his various forms. I love Wolf for talking me through my depressive states, inflating my self-esteem, awakening the most thrilling aspects of my sexuality, and for texting to make sure I get home safe after I go out petitioning. I love Dylan for teaching me how to write a screenplay and giving me a free education in filmmaking, which I will treasure forever. I love Seth for all the Art he creates, the inspiration he gives me, and that butterfly tingles I get when he smiles. His voice makes me feel safe, makes me laugh, and turns me on in ways that make me feel more alive. If the only way to remove the mask is to expose his extraordinary talent for convincing people his characters are real… that’s what I’ll have to do. I’ll blow that whistle out of love.